theJEDMAN NATION-A New Wave ManifestoDocumenting the JED Experience Monday, December 23, 2002I'm in so much pain. I hurt so bad. The whole world has devestated me. All of this is because I am not with Shakira. Shakira is the goddess of theJEDMAN's true happieness. The love I have for Shakira is so powerful. All of this love is being impeded by geography, record companys, body guards, fences, brick walls, cement, military, etc. Shakira is an absolute South American goddess hot babe singer preformer chick. theJEDMAN is a nimrod from Overland Park. We are meant to be together. How much more can theJEDMAN take. The pain of absent love is incredible. Venga Shakira, venga. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:02 PMtheJEDMAN tipped the scales at Bally Total Fitness today naked at 201. He is 1 pound from the goal. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:53 PMDumb things theJEDMAN has seen at Bally Total Fitness: I was riding the exercise bike, when a woman got on the bike next to me. She was drinking a big designer coffee while riding the exercise bike. Gee, exercise takes water out of you system. Caffine takes water out of your system. This sounds like the road to dehydration to me. Plus, she was talking on her cell phone the whole time without a hands free device. This is very dangerous.......I was getting into my car after Championship workout, when I noticed a large amount of McDonalds and Burger King bags on the floor board of the car next to me. Plus, there were many empty cigarrette boxes as well. This is not reflective of the healthy lifestyle. I eat at McDonalds about twice a year just to keep our pop culture alive.....One time I was in the parking lot and a guy was there in his truck, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarrette before his workout.....These are all true. I didn't make them up. theJEDMAN
.: posted by Jed 7:52 PMFriday, December 20, 2002The JEDMAN's revenge was humiliated in the Jason's Heros fantasy football league playoffs first round by a tally of 159-81. It was a devestating loss for theJEDMAN. He is crushed. He might quit the game. Poor JEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 5:48 PMI've been destoying teenagers at checkers. I beat them bad. I beat them so bad that I'm looking for different ways to win. I set up double jumps. I set up triple jumps. The other day I had 10 kings on the board. I lengthened the game that way to make the defeat more devestating. I just cat and moused the guy to death. I could have taken him a lot earlier than I did, but I wanted to humiliate my opponent.I'm like 137-0 against teenagers at checkers this year. I'm awsome. I'm theJEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 5:41 PMWednesday, December 18, 2002I had a party for some clients. They are all hispanic and we played a game of international football. I was in goal for my team. I'm not bragging, but I'm a big time goalkeeper. Some of my nicknames have included: Clearing Kick, Hands of Stone, Face of Stone, Motion Commotion, etc. It was a well battled international football contest. Part of my game, is to kick the ball at the players on the other team as hard as I can in an effort to smash them, because intimidation is the name of the game. I even connected a power kick off the face of an opponent. This is the ultimate smashing to break a will.Throughout the game, I continued to smash them and smash them to break their will. This worked well as I scored two goals from my goalkeeper position It was an awesome display of tremendous power, agility and skill that was designed to crush and smash the opponent to break their will. I was awsome. I am awsome. I am theJEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:22 PMTuesday, December 17, 2002Every other day, I have this big break for lunch and planning. Since it is winter and my lakeside lunches have been curbed do to the cold. So, I've been going to my office in the building where I don't serve any clients. I don't have a lot of stuff in there and the computers are not very accomodating most of the time, so I'm often just hanging around until my next client meeting. Well, I was walking around the building and I discovered the workout facility. I knew it was there, but I didn't realize how good it was. So, now during this time, I can do some working out. I'm going to be huge. This idea is very dangerous for the body building communities in SoCal. I'm going to be huge.With this addtional workout time, I'm going to be huge.I'm going to be so sculpted that I'm going to have to shave my body hair. I'm going to be huge. I doubt if I'll be hanging in the midwest much longer. I'll be heterosexual and working out in SoCal for competition. I'm going to be huge. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:32 PMThursday, December 12, 2002I was in one of my buildings today. I work in other people's rooms or offices. In this particular room, the desk drawer of my colleague was open. Iniside, I noticed a stockpile of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. There were so many of them. In fact, I don't think I'd ever seen so many oatmeal cream pies in one place before. I didn't think she would miss one. Well, I chowed 11 of them in one sitting. Acutally, I snarfed them all in about 5 minutes. I haven't been eating a lot lately, because I'm trying to reach the magical JEDMAN weight of under 200, so this Oatmeal Cream Pie binge made me a little ill. I wanted to purge but I didn't. I taught my class and felt very ill the rest of the day. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 9:43 PMWednesday, December 11, 2002The Revenge is in the playoffs! That is theJEDMAN's Revenge is fanstasy football playoff bound. In a 14 team league, the Revenge finished 8-6. That might not sound like much, but it is a new season baby. The Revenge started out 5-2. Then, the Revenge lost 4 of its next 5, before winning the last two games. The Revenge is hot. They could run the table and win the grand prize of $50,000. The Revenge is in a high stakes league. We have lots of TV money. This is a great day in the history of the Revenge franchise. The Revenge will crush all openents in route to the league title. The Revenge is awsome. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 4:44 PMMonday, December 09, 2002I went to Bally the other day and I committed a classic JEDMAN. I wore my jeans over my workout shorts. Up on the exercise floor, I took my jeans off. To do this I had to remove my shoes. When I removed my shoes protruding out of my sock on my right foot was my big toe. This was a class move by theJEDMAN. The babes on the workout floor had to be impressed with the gaping holes in my socks. This is one of the dumbest things I've ever done. However, this was not one of the dumbest things that occured at Bally on this day. While I was putting on my shoe to conceal the hole in my sock, I noticed this guy standing on the running track swinging a golf club. He was swinging a golf club on the track with people running by. That seems like danger to me. This was the dumbest thing I'd ever seen. The man put the club down and went to do some exercise and then came back to swing the golf club. This was the dumbest thing that I've ever seen. I don't understand people who do non-equipment using exercises at the workout facility. All the time, one can see people doing push-ups, sit-ups on the floor, etc. For all the money it costs to go to the gym, there is no reason to do exercises that you could do in front of the TV. Swinging a golf club can be done at home. It would have been great if the dude had clocked a jogger on the track as they ran by. BAN all non-equipment using exercises from the gym now. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:19 PMSunday, December 08, 2002SWIFT(notice how his name is in all CAPS) went with me to the professional american football contest on the eighth of December. He made the sacrifice. This was quite a feat of shear mental strenghth. Usually professional american football contests take up around six hours. Those of you that know theJEDMAN, know that six hours with theJEDMAN is a long time. It takes a lot of mental stamina to endure the mental punishment that theJEDMAN dishes out. TheJEDMAN is annoying, irritating, overindulgent, and just plain dumb. SWIFT put up with me all day for six mentally crucifying hours. SWIFT is the greatest. SWIFT stepped up to the plate. SWIFT hit a home run for theJEDMAN as if theJEDMAN was dying in a hospital bed. SWIFT is awesome.SWIFT is the greatest, theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:06 PMSaturday, December 07, 2002I don't spell everything correctly and I have some minor grammar mistakes. My proofreader got upset with me and quit. However, I feel qualified to comment on language anyway. These phrases are overused. THAT'LL WORK. THERE YOU GO. SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN and THAT IS SCANDALOUS should not be used anymore. I'm theJEDMAN and that is what I believe. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 5:52 PMFACTSHEET-JEDMAN
.: posted by Jed 4:18 PMI've been listening to this Shakira CD all the time lately. It is pretty good. It is in Spanish, not that English thing she came out with recently. It is all about how she can't get a good man. Her man is bad to her. He leaves her. She doesn't know where his is. It is great. I really like it. I am a little bold profess my love for Shakira right her on the BLOG. I want to take Shakira to dinner and shower her with attention. I've seen Shakira on the MTV with long-haired, unshaven latin guys. Just think of what she's missing, when she could be with a bald man from Kansas. Once you go bald, you never go back. To Shakira, I'm exotic and interesting. A bald man from a foreign land. So, there has to be some BLOG reader that knows someone that knows someone that can email the BLOG to Shakira.Shakira doesn't know what she is missing. She needs to be informed of theJEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 3:55 PMThursday, December 05, 2002It is winter regarless of what the calendar says. I'm tired of seeing people running into the gym in their shorts and t-shirt. I loath sweaty people who run out of the gym to their car with just a t-shirt and shorts. This is bad cloths weraring policy. It is not my cup of tea. These people are making my health insurance rates higher. This needs to be stopped. No one whould be out without pants and a coat in winter. This is winter, regardless of want the calendar says. The police should be stationed outside of the gym to arrest and prosecute people that don't were pants and a coat in winter. BAN non-coat and non-pant wearing NOW! .: posted by Jed 7:14 PMI was stopped at the Metcalf light going easttbound on College. It was frigid outside. This is winter regardless of what the calendar says. A RUBIA pulled up next to me with her window down. It was frigid outside. This is winter regardless of what the calendar says. The window was down. She was a RUBIA. For an instant, I think she was wanting to chat with theJEDMAN. It was just an instant. Then she raised up her cigarrette to flick some ashes out the window. A fatal flaw in the book of theJEDMAN. Risk frostbite for a smoke. That is so JOCO. Next, she raised up her wild cherry Pepsi to take a swig. Another fatal flaw in the book of theJEDMAN. Also, she had her sunglasses on and it was dark outside. 3rd and final fatal flaw in the book of theJEDMAN. The light turned green and she took off eastbound with her window down. This is so JOCO. All about vanity. You know how important vanity is to me. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:05 PMI was breezing my way through the Triangle the other day when the 3 at 3 came on the 99.7 KY. The theme today was MAGIC. First they played EVERYTHING LITTLE THING SHE DOES IS MAGIC. Then, they played MGIC MAN. Then, they played the MAGIC POWER, the quintessential song from TRIUMPH off their best album 1981's ALLIED FORCES.. TRIUMPH was probably the worse of the Canadian power trios of the 80s. At the time, I thought they were awsome. Now, I don't know why I like them so much. It reminded me of 1985. In May of that year, Bon Chappell, Dave the GEEK, a guy named Mike and I went to the TRIUMPH concert at Kemper Arena with forty three hundred rabid TRIUMPH fans. I remember being in the parking lot pre-show and hearing every beat up camero enter the lot with the MAGIC power blaring out of their rolled down or missing windows aided by a graphic equalizer that was more expensive than the rest of the car. I remember a long haired guy with bandana that sat behind us so wasted that he couldn't open his eyes. I remember the rock and roll kicks ass speach that the drummer gave in the middle of the show. Back then, I hated the drummer. He sang on their worse songs. Today, I probably would still hate them. This concert was past the prime of TRIUMPH. They only did a couple of more albums after this with guitarist Rik(no C) Emment. He later left the band went solo. The only reason I know this is because I saw one of his records in the dollar bin at the record store. I bet when TRIUMPH broke up it sent shock waves from Toronto to Vancouver. 1985 was a pivitol year in the life of theJEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 6:41 PMMonday, December 02, 2002I am a genious. I know it is mindless, non-intellectual and it makes me look a lot less intelligent that I am in real live, but I've been watching dumb, drunk, hot college chicks on elimidate. I have not been able to justify this poor TV watching strategy until now. Before, I would just watch elimidate with a box of donuts. Now, I hit the tread mill. So, I get a half-hour of cardio in and I get to see dumb, drunk, hot, naked college girls on elimidate. It is everything the superfiscial man could want in a TV show. Must see nudity, slurred words and vomiting. Elimidate is trashy, not classy. theJEDMAN. .: posted by Jed 8:35 PMSunday, December 01, 2002I thought of this the other day when I was watching dumb, hot, drunk, college chicks on elimidate. Back in 1995, I was in the class at Fraser on the KU campus. It was the last day of class and unlike other classes where I was too much of a snob to talk to other people, I had talked to a lot of people in this class. So, I went with some of my classmates down to the Wheel to have some beers. At the Wheel on this night, there was the Pi Phi sorority there. They were having some kind of year end presentations. This was a really hot chick sorority, because all of the girls were hot chicks. Thinking back, they all looked like they could be on the Bachelor. They all looked alike and they all had those back-pack purses too that were the rage in the mid-90s. We were sitting there is a booth and one of the Pi Phis kept telling us in a whiney voice, "Guys, I don't care that you are here, but I what to hear this." over and over again, during the presentations. I began to think that I could get the LPD down here and bust all of these drunk, hot, dumb and underage college chicks, but I was nice. At one point they had a video on the TVs that was just picture after picture of hot, drunk, dumb and underage college girls. Don't worry the weird part is coming up. All of the pictures in the video just had their smiling faces smash against each other. There were so many pictures that were all the same. At this time in my life, I used to drink a lot so, I was kind of hammered at this point. The weird part is, at one point, the girls broke into this chant. This is the weird part. The last line of the chant went something like, ".... and all they really want is a piece of Pi Phi ass." You can't get better entertainment than that. theJEDMAN. .: posted by Jed 8:54 PMSaturday, November 30, 2002I know that I misspell words from time to time and have grammar problems here and there. I just don't see all of my mistakes when I write, even if I proof read it several times. However, I will not stand for people mis-naming and using the wrong words for stuff. This problem was evident the other day when I ate at a popular sandwich chain. They are mis-naming condiments again. They have these specialty condiments that they use and that you can buy. There is Southwest, Honey Mustard and Greek Feta Cheese to name a few. You can get these put on your sandwich if you desire. They are attaching the word SAUCE to these condiments. This is wrong. They are DRESSINGS. You dress a sandwich. You don't sauce a sandwich, unless it is the meatball. That has maranera sauce. This mis-naming of condiments should be stopped immediatly, because it is wrong. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 2:52 PMThe infinitive TO PARTY is being overused in society. My first recollection of phrases, DO YOU PARTY? HEY, YOU WANT TO PARTY?, DON'T INVITE HER. SHE DOESN'T PARTY, etc. was back in the 80s. These phrases were secret dope smoker lingo. It was a way to find out if other people smoked dope. Now, it seems that everyone uses phrases like, I PARTIED LAST NIGHT. So, these phrases should be used only by the dope smoking cartel. If you are a member of the dope smoking cartel, stay away from me. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 2:43 PMMonday, November 25, 2002My alarm clock goes off in the morning with a personal recorded message to myself. It says, "wake up dummy. Get up dummy. Wake up baldy. Get up baldy. Wake up fat boy. Get up fat boy." I wonder if I have self-image problems. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:28 PMThis is gross, so you might not want to read past this sentence. I always have lent in my belly button. I remove lent everyday. This is a bad problem, because I'm afraid to wear midriff exposing sexy provacative shirts to exhibit my rippled abs. I'm just afraid that I can't be as sexy as I want to be with this lent problem in my belly button. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:11 PMI have this email account. I used to get emails from people. Now the only emails I get are porn, lower mortgage rates and forwarded jokes. I want some real email. Make a sacrifice. I may not be worth it, but I'm theJEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 3:58 PMI got on the scale buck naked the other day at the gym. I was in the locker room. I was in the men's locker room. I weighed 204. I'm 4 pounds away from the magical sub 200 weight that I last had sometime in 1986.I've been hitting the gym a lot lately. My body is sculpted. There are two words that can describe my body, "PHYSCIAL SPECIMAN." Alright, my body is not as good as I think it is, but my gut is a lot smaller than it used to be. My belt serves a purpose other than a fashion accessory now. I see pictures of myself a couple of years ago and think to myself what a tub of goo I was. That is what we should all aim for. Be less a tub of goo today than you were yesterday. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 3:53 PMSunday, November 24, 2002I don't have a girlfriend, so I go a lot of places by myself. I go get a sandwich by myself. I go to the movies by myself. I did these two tasks one Saturday. In the sandwich place I sat at a table by myself. I was about the only one in the place. There were many empty tables, so I take the table far away from other people as I can get. A couple of people come in and they sit down at the table next to me. They had no regard for personal space. This was a PERSONAL SPACE VIOLATION. Later I am in the theater waiting for the movie to start and a couple of people walk in and sit in the same row that I'm in and only a couple of seats away. We are the only people in the theater. This was a PERSONAL SPACE VIOLATION.Personal space should never be violated. If your in a place that is virtually empty sit at a reasonable distance from other people, not right next to them, unless you are an attrractive woman that woos me at first sight.theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:20 PMI'm no fashion expert, but I do know a bad fashion strategy when I see one. I was out in the JOCO eating at a reasonable sit down restaurant. There were a lot of teeanage girls walking around with those low cut jeans hugging their hips at obscene depths. This isn't the major bad fashion strategy here. The major iladvised fashion strategy here is the teenage girls that have some junk hanging over the belt-line. This should be banned. I got a little junk hanging over my belt but, I cover it up. Now, you might think I'm a pervert for noticing this, but sometimes you just can't help looking at people who draw attention to themselves, no matter what their age is. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:09 PMThis is kind of gross, so you might want to stop reading now. On Saturday, I did not load my gym bag properly. I forgot to put in a clean T-shirt to wear after my shower post JEDMAN championship workout. So, I had to put on my T-shirt that I wore during JEDMAN championship workout.This just happened to be the T-shirt I wore all day on Friday and slept in Friday night. When I got home after JEDMAN championship workout, I forgot to change out of the smelly T-shirt. So, I wore it all day on Saturday. Saturday night, I fell asleep in the chair and did not change it when I went to bed. On Sunday, I went to JEDMAN championship workout again with the same shirt on. So, I wore the same shirt for almost 3 days and and did JEDMAN chapionship workout in it twice. This is a rotten clothes management strategy executed by theJEDMAN. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:56 PMThursday, November 21, 2002I was DUPED. I was DUPED at America's Neighborhood Grill. I don't drink a lot of soda anymore. Ocasionally I'll have one, but it usually tastes like syrup. So, I order club soda to from time to time as a change of pace. I was DUPED at America's Neighborhood Grill. During the meal, I had two glasses of club soda. These were small glasses, not the big ones that the regular soda comes in. Anyway, I get my bill, I was charged $3.98 for the pair. I was DUPED. Man, $3.98 for about 20 ounces of club soda. That is roughly 20 cents per ounce. That is a big markup from the 5 cents that the total product cost to America's Neighborhood Grill. Plus, no free refills. I was DUPED. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:30 PMTuesday, November 19, 2002I was doing my championship workout the other day. I noticed a woman with some low cut workout pants. Protruding out of these workout pants was one of those tail bone tattoos. It was like the workout pants were specifically cut this way to expose the tattoo, so nimrods like me will look at it. I tell you nothing gets me more excited than a tail bone tattoo. I don't know how I seem to be able to control myself. I just don't get the whole tail bone tattoo deal. I don't get tattoos in general. Just like dangling belly button attachments, Tail bone tattoos are trashy not classy. I think they should be banned. Ban TAIL BONE TATTOOS now. .: posted by Jed 6:41 PMSunday, November 17, 2002I was at a KU football game. The game got over. I was going to go pick up some of those good plastic ball game cups. Then, it dawned on me that I am not 12 years old anymore. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 4:42 PMThursday, November 14, 2002For a mid-week diversion, I drove one hundred miles into Missouri. I saw the Big Cats play the Smart Birds. I was cheering for the Big Cats, but they lost when they failed to convert the 2-point converstion late in the game, after receiving a penalty on their first successful attempt. It was awesome. It was a great game. The Big Cats played very well.There is really no story here, just the mid-week diversion of driving 100 miles into Missouri, when normally I'm aftraid to cross state line. Plus, I've hit a dry spell lately, but once again, I'll have another creative spurt and give you, the fans, the quality reading material that your deserve. The stuff I've been thinking up lately has been crap, so I have not been posting it to aviod insulting you, the fan. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:41 PMTuesday, November 05, 2002I've attended a couple of sporting events at the University of Kansas lately. I love going to sporting events. There is so much to see other than the sports themselves. There are idiots in the stands. There is action on and off the field that you don't get to see on TV. Plus, there are usually hot babes on the sidelines. I've noticed something that is really disturbing to me. The group formally known as the "Crimson Girls," is now called the KU Dance Team. The name KU Dance Team is no good. This is political correctness run amuck. I guess "Crimson Girls" is too controversial in the new century. They still wear the same form fitting midriff showing outfits. They still dance during time-outs and half time. Why can't they still be called the CRIMSON GIRLS? Sometimes a guy just wants to see a group of nubile young babes with a good group name. CRIMSON GIRLS is the best name. It just is. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:12 PMMonday, October 28, 2002In the last couple of years, the Chiefs have been bad, so there have been a lot of fans for the visiting teams at the games. There are Broncos fans, Raiders fams, Bengals fans, etc. all over the place. I'm sure that most of these people have never even been to Denver, Oakland or Cincinnati. It was like last summer at the Yankees-Royals game. I'm guessing that none of those people had ever been to New York. To set the record straight, the team you cheer for is only based on geography. If you live in Detroit, you have to root for the Lions. If you live in Anaheim, you have to root for the Mighty Ducks. You can't root for teams in cities that you have never lived in for a significant period of time. These are the laws of SPORTS GEOGRAPHY CHEERING. Breaking these sacred laws in a CRIME. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:25 PMCirca 1994 when I was a bigger idiot than I am now, Bon Chappell and I were playing DEATH BALL in my palatial Lawrence penthouse apartment. DEATH BALL was a sport that never caught on nationwide. It involves a hoop and a ball and is played indoors. There are no rules except that you cannot leave your knees and if you rebound off iron you have to take the ball back. Bon Chappell and I were engaged in the bloodiest DEATH BALL game ever. It was rough, violent, and no holds barred. In sudden death, we heard a knock on the door and the words, "LAWRENCE PD," We got quiet for awhile hoping they would go away, but they opened my unlocked door instead. We were DEATH BALLING in the bedroom, so I came out when they walked in. I told them that we were horsing around and they asked if anyone else was here. Bon Chappell walked out of the bedroom and explained to the officers that we were playing DEATH BALL. It looked like Bon Chappell and I were having a spat, but we were sportsmen not lovers. Somehow, the Lawrence PD believed us and left. Man, did we look like dopes. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:14 PMI'm a fool and I have a fool-proof theory on how you can tell the socio-economic status of any big-class secondary school in the country. All one has to do is go to a high school football game. If the team kicks field goals and extra points with success on a consistent basis, then the commuity that the high school serves is affluent. If the high school team is consistently unsuccessful in field goals and extra points or does not even attempt them, the the school has a lower socio-economic status. Case in point, the schools that I see now don't even try to kick field goals and always go for the two-point conversion. When I was coaching at the affluent school in the JOCO, we kicked extra points and even field goals in the eighth grade on the B-team. The reason for this is that there are more soccer teams in the rich suburbs. Plus few urban learners ever think of being the kicker and therefore never practice the game-winning kick over the swing set in the back yard. Therefore, the better the place kicking, the higher the socio-economic status. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 6:56 PMSaturday, October 26, 2002I went to Bally the other day. I go about twice a week. I'm getting so huge that I might have to start shaving my body hair soon. Anyway, during my workout, I was on the abductors machine doing a leg workout. Close to this machine, there were three women on treadmills and they were all looking in my direction. I was looking over at them thinking all right, checking out theJEDMAN. Suddenly in the corner of my eye, I saw a blonde-haired tall workout guy walk by. As he passed the women's eyes went with him. I guess they weren't looking at theJEDMAN at all. This was a big blonde haired guy with one of those ridiculous haircuts that was poofy and highlighted. It was one of those hairstyles that is really condescending and elitist. It says, "Look at me. I'm a dude and I have big poofy hair." theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 5:43 PMSunday, October 20, 2002I was walking up the sidewalk in the JOCO. I was approaching a house where the spinklers were splashing the sidewalk. I have the right to walk in the JOCO on a splash-free sidewalk. As I got closer, the spinklers went off. They must have known I was coming up the sidewalk. As I passed and approched the next house, the next house's sprinklers came on, splashing the sidewalk. This impeded my walk and was an infringement on my rights to a splash-free sidewalk zone. This was the last straw. I reached down and grabbed the sprinkler head and yanked it out of the ground. Also, my superhuman strengh pulled up the pipes for the system clean out of the yard. Water was gushing out of the ground. It was rage and fury in the JOCO. I took off running and never looked back. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:44 PMWell, I just did my run at 4 American football games in 4 days. I saw the GORILLAS vs BEARCATS, RAIDERS vs MUSTANGS, JAYHAWKS vs AGGIES, and CHIEFS vs BRONCOS. This is a record that can only be tied. It can never be broken. I'll never try to break it. At one game, I was just an impartial observer, but in all of the other games the team I was rooting for lost. It might sound pretty stupid to go to all of those American football games, but it was really nice weather. It was great to be outside. Plus, since I root for crappy teams, I have zero expectations about my team winning. So, my hopes are never dashed when they lose. There is always a lot to look at at American football games. I like to see all of the idiots in the stands. I like to watch action on the field that you normally don't get to see on TV. American football is great. Plus, there are always dancing girls. At the pro game there were some college dancing girls. They wore outfits that left their belly button exposed. Some of these girls had stuff attached in their belly buttons. The most attractive member of the dance team had the stuff attached in the belly button with other stuff dangling down. This made a classy looking girl a trashy looking girl in a hurry. I just don't get belly button attachments. I don't like them. I prefer the belly button with no attachments. BAN BELLY BUTTON ATTACHMENTS NOW. Just like body glitter. Belly button attachments are trashy not classy. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:34 PMSaturday, October 19, 2002I went to see my old high school play the other night. I've lived half my life since I last saw the RAIDERS play. It was my RAIDERS vs. the Mustangs. I know two of the Mustangs coaches and a bunch of kids on their team from the old school I used to teach at. The RAIDERS lost a close game in OT 26-23. The RAIDERS should have destroyed them as they moved the ball inside the 10 5 times without scoring. However this was not the most disturbing thing I saw. There were no Yell Leaders on the RAIDER sideline.Yell Leaders are defined as the male counterpart to the female cheerleaders. There have been budget cuts in the JOCO, but this is ridiculous. Doesn't the school board know that nothing is more damaging to a school's ACT results than not having Yell Leaders? Also, nothing damages the number of National Merit Scholars more than not having Yell Leaders. Communities without high school Yell Leaders have trouble attracting corporations and businesses to move to the area and often businesses close down when there are no Yell Leaders. Parents are relunctant to enroll their kids in districts without a Yell Leader program. The RAIDERS' Yell Leader program has been cut. Property values go down in areas without Yell Leaders. Yell leaders give status to your school. Yell Leaders bring the elite to your school. Yell Leaders are a vital part to any prestigious school. Without Yell Leaders, my high school is just another school and several degrees below where it was when I was a student. This is a devastating blow to my old high school. Yell Leaders are the heart and soul of any school. They are the goofballs, the class clowns. They are the class leaders and scholars. They get the student body pumped up. To think, my high school was flying high when I was there in the 80s. Our Yell Leaders were great in their bright yellow painter's pants.Now, there is just a pack of cheerleaders down there to cheer alone. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:35 AMWednesday, October 16, 2002I have to wear a name badge at work. Especially since I go to several schools, I need this badge because other teachers stop me in the hall as if I'm an intruder if they can't see the badge. Since I only see the same people every other day. I've been wearing the same clothes on consecutive days in an effort to manage my fashion effectively. So, I left my name tag on the collar of my shirt. I moved it a little bit so I could see it in the morning. Well, it was there when I put on my shirt in the morning. When I got in the car, it was gone. So, I went back into the house to look for it. Well, I retraced all my steps a few times and I couldn't find it. So, I went to school thinking I didn't have it. At school I told my student that I lost my ID. Later, we were doing some stuff and then she noticed that my name tag was on the back of my collar. It was DORK BADGE II. I had it the whole time and to think I almost went into a profanity-filled tirade thinking I had lost it. I guess I'm growing up. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 9:13 PMSunday, October 13, 2002These phrases are dumb and should not be used with these pronouns: They are pregnant. They've been trying to get pregnant. We're pregnant. We just got pregnant. Everyone should use the pronoun SHE with these phrases. I don't have a reason for this. I just think it is dumb to say this stuff in any other way. This is pronoun misusage. This is PRONOUN MISUSAGE CRIME. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 12:03 PMI think it is dumb to wear college or pro sports wear to sporting events of teams other than those actually playing in the game. So, don't wear your Ohio State T-shirt to the KU-Colorado game or your Rams jersey to the Chiefs-Raiders game. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 12:00 PMI went to the KU-Colorado football game. After the game we were walking to the car. There were some little kids playing football on the grass outside the stadium. On one of their plays, I reached up and intercepted a pass one handed intended for this little kid receiver. Then, I took off for the goal line. I stiff armed this 8 year old into the ground with punishing force. I side stepped a ten year old and zoomed over the goal line spiking the ball with a huge thump. During my deserved celebration this 11-year old chopped me down when I wasn't looking. It hurt my knee really bad. I had trouble walking back to the car. I might have to get it scoped before the next game. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 11:58 AMWhatever happened to going to McDonald's. There are too many parent's with really young children going to nice sit down restaurants in theJOCO. I go into these places and I'm forced to dine in the proximety of really young kids. I've seen kids bring in their own food, take up space, never order anything, throw stuff on the floor, be loud and get in the way of the servers. These kids will stop at nothing. The servers have to scamble to find cups with lids them. One time the little kid was eating cheerios out of a bag. You know, if I took in a bucket of Popeye's chicken into the Bristol. They would throw my ass out of there. Whatever happened to going to McDonald's. It is just plain the elitest attitudes perpetuated in these JOCO parents. Take the kids to McDonald's and let me dine with adults. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 11:46 AMThursday, October 10, 2002I don't usually have to work at night, but I did the last two nights, because there were a lot of visitors in the building. I was talking to one of my colleagues outside her room when one of the visitors asked to borrow my pencil to fill out the survey that all visitors were given. Now, writing instrument borrowing is supposed to be short in duration. It is to jot something down and give the writing instrument right back. Well, this visitor kept using my pencil and using my pencil. She probably sharpened it a couple of times. She even mentioned that she didn't like to fill out this crap. Plus, this was no ordinary pencil. It was a DIXON TICONDEROGA. This is the best pencil on the planet. It is a real wood pencil, not that vulcanized rubber crap. Anyway, I'm hanging out, talking to my colleague and waiting to get my pencil back, but I never do. The visitor took off when I had my back turned. It was PENCIL THEFT CRIME. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:48 PMTuesday, October 08, 2002I went to the dentist today. I lucked out and got the good-looking hygenist. It is always great to get the good-looking health care professional to work on you. With all the time I've done in the hospital, having the good-looking health care professional made being in that death trap barable. On one trip to the hospital, I went down for the procedure where they punched holes in my groin. Upon returning to the room, it was lunch time. I was really hungry, because they don't let you eat before they punch holes in your groin. I had to lay still on my back after they punched holes in my groin, so I couldn't feed myself. The cute nurse was going to feed me until my mom knocked her out of the room with a devastating rolling side-body block.So, I didn't get the dream of the cute nurse feeding me when I had holes punched in my groin. It had always been my dream to have a cute health care professional feed me when I had holes punched in my groin. Without a doubt, having a cute professinal person waiting on you is prefered. Tuesday night I was out with Delong and Swift at Tanner's. There were lots of good-looking food service professionals there. It was always our dream to have a cute food service professional take our order. We were not so lucky. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 9:23 PMSunday, October 06, 2002From time to time, there is certain phenomena in the world that I just don't seem to understand. BODY GLITTER. I was at this event where it seemed that BODY GLITTER was a requirement for entrance. To me, BODY GLITTER is trashy, not classy. I'm all about class. Plus, that stuff gets churned up into the air, causing bad air quality problems. No telling how much of that stuff I have breathed in. I think BODY GLITTER needs to be banned. BAN BODY GLITTER NOW! theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:57 PMI was hosted at this place to watch the NFL package. I took in my designer water bottle to drink during the action. It wasn't really designer water. It is just the bottle. I refill the designer water bottles with tap water, so that I give the illusion I'm drinking designer water. You know me all style no substance when it comes to designer water. Anyway, I set the bottle by the recliner I sat in for all the games. Upon leaving, I meant to take my bottle with me, but I forgot it. I left it there by the chair. I committed GUEST CRIME. I left my trash laying there for the host to pick up. I hope I didn't make them mad. I don't get invited too many places, so I really have to be impressive when I do get invited. I can't do GUEST CRIME.No one wants to pick up my trash. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:42 PMSaturday, October 05, 2002I was heading south on Antioch just north of the light at 119th street the other day in the left lane of a twe lane thouroughfare. Suddenly there was an SUV stalled ahead of me with the hazzards on in the bumper to bumper traffic. A stalled SUV in JOCO. Now, that is a bad driving strategy. I couldn't pop into the right lane of the bumper to bumper traffic, but next to me was the left turn lane. It was wide open. So, I popped left went around the stalled SUV and popped back into the through lane and raced throught the intersection. It was a tremendous driving strategy. In the world of southern JOCO, where bad driving strategies reign supreme. My driving strategy was impeccable. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 9:51 AMI was at some meeting with other teachers from other places at some elementary school up north the other day. It was an informal training session for the new materials that I had received. I was sitting at a table with a colleage, when this other semi-cute teacher from another district came up and started talking to my colleage. This woman was really short. She was standing. I was sitting down. She was so short that I was looking her in the eye. There is really no story here. For a few minutes while this woman was talking to my colleage, this woman was really close to me. Less than an inch separated us. I'm an idiot. I notice things like personal space. I need a foot radius around my body at all times, unless I'm established in a relationship with someone. It made me uptight. It wasn't the appropriate venue to hit on someone. It was PERSONAL SPACE VIOLATION CRIME. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 9:42 AMThursday, October 03, 2002I committed fashion crime this evening. I went out to eat with my sister and I didn't wear a belt. You see, the belt completes the outfit. I went out with an incomplete outfit. I had on jeans, sneakers, and a plaid button down shirt, but no belt. FASHION CRIME was committed. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:42 PMWednesday, October 02, 2002I weigh less now than I have at anytime since the 80s, but sometimes I can't escape my DEMONS. I was driving through Grandview and my truck just suddenly pulled into the pizza buffet, because at the buffet, I fell in love. Down at the buffet, I fell in love. I just couldn't escape my DEMONS. So, I ate about 37 slices of pepperoni and several glasses of diet soda. I just couldn't escape my DEMONS. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:54 PMMonday, September 30, 2002FLASHBACK 91
.: posted by Jed 9:07 PMI stopped in the new JUGO JUICE today. It just opened up around the corner from that customer service nightmare known as SMOOTHIE KING. I have not been back to the KING, since I used up my gift certificates from the cooperate office that I got after I complained about the over charging experience that I endured and suffered through back in the spring when some pip squeek king manager rammed education of customers and his broken cooler down my throat as he explained his frequent customer card policy over and over to me. Anyway, the JUGO JUICE is good. I think it is an off shoot of the JUICE STOP. I got the grape-berries samba super sensation surprise. Beat death with berries, you loser. I doubt if I will frequent JUGO JUICE too often. It is no JAMBA JUICE. California does a couple of things pretty good, JAMBA JUICE and the no smoking bar. The was the weirdest and greatest thing ever, going to the English pub in Santa Monica and being able to enjoy a fine brew without choking on human inflicted bad air quality. Beat death with berries. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:46 PMSunday, September 29, 2002I went to the professional football game. There is a team here in town. I got to sit next to this nameless guy. This nameless guy went up to get a beer for him and his friend. I was not briefed on the friend coming, but that is a different story. The nameless guy said to me, "I would have got you a beer if I knew that you were drinking." Well, I don't really drink that much anymore and I don't really miss it, but I like to have a beer once in awhile, especially at the stadium in the warm sun. A beer tastes pretty good in that setting. I told him that I would drink a beer that someones buys for me. He responded with, "I'll drink a beer that you get for me too." The nameless guy has these expectations of me to buy him a beer lately. You see, I don't think I need to impress this nameless guy, but he sure should be trying to impress me. It reminded me of a time a few years ago, when this nameless guy invited me to a free booze and snack thing that his university club was having. I tried pay the $10 at the door in cash with a $20, but they didn't have change. I guess they write a lot of personal checks up north. Anyway, the cashier said that he would get $10 out of the nameless guy. This made sense to me. The nameless guy invited me and it wasn't like I was going to join the university club. I went to a different university. For months after that, the nameless guy said that the cashier was really wanting his $10. I got sick of it after awhile and just paid the nameless guy the $10 to get him to shut up. Well, I don't think I should have to be obligated to buy people beers, unless a specific round system has been agreed upon. Since I only rarely partake in an adult beverage, I don't forsee myself engaging in rounds of drinks anytime soon. Plus, I got screwed out of a hot dog in the luxury box as the nameless guy had 4 of them. It was devestating. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 8:18 PMSaturday, September 28, 2002I went to the a high school home coming dance. It was weird. There were a lot of teenagers really dressed up. At one point, I got a little too close to the dance floor. You see the girations that were occurring were kicking up a cloudy haze of body glitter. I think I breathed some of that in. Now, if I have an x-ray, it will show my insides as all glittery.
.: posted by Jed 3:56 PMI went to a professional baseball game the other night. There is a team here in town. I was priviledged enough to sit in the luxury box. I got free beverages and snacks. During the game, I was explaining a finer point of the game to one of the guests in the box.I had to repeat myself a few times to illustrate my point. I wasn't being that big a smart ass. All of a sudden, it was obscene gesturarama. Right there in the luxury box. Well, the vegetable tray got knocked over and an all out brawel ensued. It was not the kind of behavior you would expect in the luxury box. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 3:38 PMTuesday, September 24, 2002I was hasseling one of my colleagues in the copy room at school the other day about drinking a lot of beers at the Sheryl Crow Rock and Roll Show. As I was doing this, I bragged about only having one beer. Then, she called me a "CANDY ASS." I was so crushed that I walked out of the copy room with only my black-line masters in hand. I went home thinking about getting a box of donuts, bucket of chicken and meatball submarine and then, purging. Instead, I went home and cryed myself to sleep as I watched NFL highlights from the 1960s. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 7:52 PMI visited an old coaching buddie at his new gig at a prominent south JOCO middle school the other day. He introduced me to his american football team. My buddy told his team that I was a big ex-college player from way back. Of course, being middle schoolers, they wanted to know where I played college ball. Without hesitating, I said Middle Tennessee State. Yeah I was a big time all conference QB. They bought every second of it. It reminded me of my early american football career. I stated playing american football in the 4th grade. My dad was the coach. He was the head coach. Usually the son of the head coach is destined to be the QB. My dad, a former all world small town Missouri fullback in the 50s, had better plans for me. He put me at offensive guard. If he had put me at QB, I'm sure I'd be playing on Sundays today. However, I was dealt a bad hand. My american football career ended in the 9th grade. I never played after that. Just think of the fame, fortune, babes, injuries that I would have encountered. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 5:57 PMWhen I was a young boy, I put ketchup on my hot dog. When I became a man, I switched to mustard. theJEDMAN .: posted by Jed 5:45 PM.: posted by Jed 5:43 PM |
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