theJEDMAN NATION-A New Wave Manifesto

Documenting the JED Experience

Monday, October 28, 2002

In the last couple of years, the Chiefs have been bad, so there have been a lot of fans for the visiting teams at the games. There are Broncos fans, Raiders fams, Bengals fans, etc. all over the place. I'm sure that most of these people have never even been to Denver, Oakland or Cincinnati. It was like last summer at the Yankees-Royals game. I'm guessing that none of those people had ever been to New York. To set the record straight, the team you cheer for is only based on geography. If you live in Detroit, you have to root for the Lions. If you live in Anaheim, you have to root for the Mighty Ducks. You can't root for teams in cities that you have never lived in for a significant period of time. These are the laws of SPORTS GEOGRAPHY CHEERING. Breaking these sacred laws in a CRIME. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 7:25 PM

Circa 1994 when I was a bigger idiot than I am now, Bon Chappell and I were playing DEATH BALL in my palatial Lawrence penthouse apartment. DEATH BALL was a sport that never caught on nationwide. It involves a hoop and a ball and is played indoors. There are no rules except that you cannot leave your knees and if you rebound off iron you have to take the ball back. Bon Chappell and I were engaged in the bloodiest DEATH BALL game ever. It was rough, violent, and no holds barred. In sudden death, we heard a knock on the door and the words, "LAWRENCE PD," We got quiet for awhile hoping they would go away, but they opened my unlocked door instead. We were DEATH BALLING in the bedroom, so I came out when they walked in. I told them that we were horsing around and they asked if anyone else was here. Bon Chappell walked out of the bedroom and explained to the officers that we were playing DEATH BALL. It looked like Bon Chappell and I were having a spat, but we were sportsmen not lovers. Somehow, the Lawrence PD believed us and left. Man, did we look like dopes. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 7:14 PM

I'm a fool and I have a fool-proof theory on how you can tell the socio-economic status of any big-class secondary school in the country. All one has to do is go to a high school football game. If the team kicks field goals and extra points with success on a consistent basis, then the commuity that the high school serves is affluent. If the high school team is consistently unsuccessful in field goals and extra points or does not even attempt them, the the school has a lower socio-economic status. Case in point, the schools that I see now don't even try to kick field goals and always go for the two-point conversion. When I was coaching at the affluent school in the JOCO, we kicked extra points and even field goals in the eighth grade on the B-team. The reason for this is that there are more soccer teams in the rich suburbs. Plus few urban learners ever think of being the kicker and therefore never practice the game-winning kick over the swing set in the back yard. Therefore, the better the place kicking, the higher the socio-economic status. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 6:56 PM

Saturday, October 26, 2002

I went to Bally the other day. I go about twice a week. I'm getting so huge that I might have to start shaving my body hair soon. Anyway, during my workout, I was on the abductors machine doing a leg workout. Close to this machine, there were three women on treadmills and they were all looking in my direction. I was looking over at them thinking all right, checking out theJEDMAN. Suddenly in the corner of my eye, I saw a blonde-haired tall workout guy walk by. As he passed the women's eyes went with him. I guess they weren't looking at theJEDMAN at all. This was a big blonde haired guy with one of those ridiculous haircuts that was poofy and highlighted. It was one of those hairstyles that is really condescending and elitist. It says, "Look at me. I'm a dude and I have big poofy hair." theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 5:43 PM

Sunday, October 20, 2002

I was walking up the sidewalk in the JOCO. I was approaching a house where the spinklers were splashing the sidewalk. I have the right to walk in the JOCO on a splash-free sidewalk. As I got closer, the spinklers went off. They must have known I was coming up the sidewalk. As I passed and approched the next house, the next house's sprinklers came on, splashing the sidewalk. This impeded my walk and was an infringement on my rights to a splash-free sidewalk zone. This was the last straw. I reached down and grabbed the sprinkler head and yanked it out of the ground. Also, my superhuman strengh pulled up the pipes for the system clean out of the yard. Water was gushing out of the ground. It was rage and fury in the JOCO. I took off running and never looked back. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 7:44 PM

Well, I just did my run at 4 American football games in 4 days. I saw the GORILLAS vs BEARCATS, RAIDERS vs MUSTANGS, JAYHAWKS vs AGGIES, and CHIEFS vs BRONCOS. This is a record that can only be tied. It can never be broken. I'll never try to break it. At one game, I was just an impartial observer, but in all of the other games the team I was rooting for lost. It might sound pretty stupid to go to all of those American football games, but it was really nice weather. It was great to be outside. Plus, since I root for crappy teams, I have zero expectations about my team winning. So, my hopes are never dashed when they lose. There is always a lot to look at at American football games. I like to see all of the idiots in the stands. I like to watch action on the field that you normally don't get to see on TV. American football is great. Plus, there are always dancing girls. At the pro game there were some college dancing girls. They wore outfits that left their belly button exposed. Some of these girls had stuff attached in their belly buttons. The most attractive member of the dance team had the stuff attached in the belly button with other stuff dangling down. This made a classy looking girl a trashy looking girl in a hurry. I just don't get belly button attachments. I don't like them. I prefer the belly button with no attachments. BAN BELLY BUTTON ATTACHMENTS NOW. Just like body glitter. Belly button attachments are trashy not classy. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 7:34 PM

Saturday, October 19, 2002

I went to see my old high school play the other night. I've lived half my life since I last saw the RAIDERS play. It was my RAIDERS vs. the Mustangs. I know two of the Mustangs coaches and a bunch of kids on their team from the old school I used to teach at. The RAIDERS lost a close game in OT 26-23. The RAIDERS should have destroyed them as they moved the ball inside the 10 5 times without scoring. However this was not the most disturbing thing I saw. There were no Yell Leaders on the RAIDER sideline.Yell Leaders are defined as the male counterpart to the female cheerleaders. There have been budget cuts in the JOCO, but this is ridiculous. Doesn't the school board know that nothing is more damaging to a school's ACT results than not having Yell Leaders? Also, nothing damages the number of National Merit Scholars more than not having Yell Leaders. Communities without high school Yell Leaders have trouble attracting corporations and businesses to move to the area and often businesses close down when there are no Yell Leaders. Parents are relunctant to enroll their kids in districts without a Yell Leader program. The RAIDERS' Yell Leader program has been cut. Property values go down in areas without Yell Leaders. Yell leaders give status to your school. Yell Leaders bring the elite to your school. Yell Leaders are a vital part to any prestigious school. Without Yell Leaders, my high school is just another school and several degrees below where it was when I was a student. This is a devastating blow to my old high school. Yell Leaders are the heart and soul of any school. They are the goofballs, the class clowns. They are the class leaders and scholars. They get the student body pumped up. To think, my high school was flying high when I was there in the 80s. Our Yell Leaders were great in their bright yellow painter's pants.Now, there is just a pack of cheerleaders down there to cheer alone. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 8:35 AM

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

I have to wear a name badge at work. Especially since I go to several schools, I need this badge because other teachers stop me in the hall as if I'm an intruder if they can't see the badge. Since I only see the same people every other day. I've been wearing the same clothes on consecutive days in an effort to manage my fashion effectively. So, I left my name tag on the collar of my shirt. I moved it a little bit so I could see it in the morning. Well, it was there when I put on my shirt in the morning. When I got in the car, it was gone. So, I went back into the house to look for it. Well, I retraced all my steps a few times and I couldn't find it. So, I went to school thinking I didn't have it. At school I told my student that I lost my ID. Later, we were doing some stuff and then she noticed that my name tag was on the back of my collar. It was DORK BADGE II. I had it the whole time and to think I almost went into a profanity-filled tirade thinking I had lost it. I guess I'm growing up. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 9:13 PM

Sunday, October 13, 2002

These phrases are dumb and should not be used with these pronouns: They are pregnant. They've been trying to get pregnant. We're pregnant. We just got pregnant. Everyone should use the pronoun SHE with these phrases. I don't have a reason for this. I just think it is dumb to say this stuff in any other way. This is pronoun misusage. This is PRONOUN MISUSAGE CRIME. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 12:03 PM

I think it is dumb to wear college or pro sports wear to sporting events of teams other than those actually playing in the game. So, don't wear your Ohio State T-shirt to the KU-Colorado game or your Rams jersey to the Chiefs-Raiders game. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 12:00 PM

I went to the KU-Colorado football game. After the game we were walking to the car. There were some little kids playing football on the grass outside the stadium. On one of their plays, I reached up and intercepted a pass one handed intended for this little kid receiver. Then, I took off for the goal line. I stiff armed this 8 year old into the ground with punishing force. I side stepped a ten year old and zoomed over the goal line spiking the ball with a huge thump. During my deserved celebration this 11-year old chopped me down when I wasn't looking. It hurt my knee really bad. I had trouble walking back to the car. I might have to get it scoped before the next game. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 11:58 AM

Whatever happened to going to McDonald's. There are too many parent's with really young children going to nice sit down restaurants in theJOCO. I go into these places and I'm forced to dine in the proximety of really young kids. I've seen kids bring in their own food, take up space, never order anything, throw stuff on the floor, be loud and get in the way of the servers. These kids will stop at nothing. The servers have to scamble to find cups with lids them. One time the little kid was eating cheerios out of a bag. You know, if I took in a bucket of Popeye's chicken into the Bristol. They would throw my ass out of there. Whatever happened to going to McDonald's. It is just plain the elitest attitudes perpetuated in these JOCO parents. Take the kids to McDonald's and let me dine with adults. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 11:46 AM

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I don't usually have to work at night, but I did the last two nights, because there were a lot of visitors in the building. I was talking to one of my colleagues outside her room when one of the visitors asked to borrow my pencil to fill out the survey that all visitors were given. Now, writing instrument borrowing is supposed to be short in duration. It is to jot something down and give the writing instrument right back. Well, this visitor kept using my pencil and using my pencil. She probably sharpened it a couple of times. She even mentioned that she didn't like to fill out this crap. Plus, this was no ordinary pencil. It was a DIXON TICONDEROGA. This is the best pencil on the planet. It is a real wood pencil, not that vulcanized rubber crap. Anyway, I'm hanging out, talking to my colleague and waiting to get my pencil back, but I never do. The visitor took off when I had my back turned. It was PENCIL THEFT CRIME. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 8:48 PM

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

I went to the dentist today. I lucked out and got the good-looking hygenist. It is always great to get the good-looking health care professional to work on you. With all the time I've done in the hospital, having the good-looking health care professional made being in that death trap barable. On one trip to the hospital, I went down for the procedure where they punched holes in my groin. Upon returning to the room, it was lunch time. I was really hungry, because they don't let you eat before they punch holes in your groin. I had to lay still on my back after they punched holes in my groin, so I couldn't feed myself. The cute nurse was going to feed me until my mom knocked her out of the room with a devastating rolling side-body block.So, I didn't get the dream of the cute nurse feeding me when I had holes punched in my groin. It had always been my dream to have a cute health care professional feed me when I had holes punched in my groin. Without a doubt, having a cute professinal person waiting on you is prefered. Tuesday night I was out with Delong and Swift at Tanner's. There were lots of good-looking food service professionals there. It was always our dream to have a cute food service professional take our order. We were not so lucky. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 9:23 PM

Sunday, October 06, 2002

From time to time, there is certain phenomena in the world that I just don't seem to understand. BODY GLITTER. I was at this event where it seemed that BODY GLITTER was a requirement for entrance. To me, BODY GLITTER is trashy, not classy. I'm all about class. Plus, that stuff gets churned up into the air, causing bad air quality problems. No telling how much of that stuff I have breathed in. I think BODY GLITTER needs to be banned. BAN BODY GLITTER NOW! theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 7:57 PM

I was hosted at this place to watch the NFL package. I took in my designer water bottle to drink during the action. It wasn't really designer water. It is just the bottle. I refill the designer water bottles with tap water, so that I give the illusion I'm drinking designer water. You know me all style no substance when it comes to designer water. Anyway, I set the bottle by the recliner I sat in for all the games. Upon leaving, I meant to take my bottle with me, but I forgot it. I left it there by the chair. I committed GUEST CRIME. I left my trash laying there for the host to pick up. I hope I didn't make them mad. I don't get invited too many places, so I really have to be impressive when I do get invited. I can't do GUEST CRIME.No one wants to pick up my trash. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 7:42 PM

Saturday, October 05, 2002

I was heading south on Antioch just north of the light at 119th street the other day in the left lane of a twe lane thouroughfare. Suddenly there was an SUV stalled ahead of me with the hazzards on in the bumper to bumper traffic. A stalled SUV in JOCO. Now, that is a bad driving strategy. I couldn't pop into the right lane of the bumper to bumper traffic, but next to me was the left turn lane. It was wide open. So, I popped left went around the stalled SUV and popped back into the through lane and raced throught the intersection. It was a tremendous driving strategy. In the world of southern JOCO, where bad driving strategies reign supreme. My driving strategy was impeccable. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 9:51 AM

I was at some meeting with other teachers from other places at some elementary school up north the other day. It was an informal training session for the new materials that I had received. I was sitting at a table with a colleage, when this other semi-cute teacher from another district came up and started talking to my colleage. This woman was really short. She was standing. I was sitting down. She was so short that I was looking her in the eye. There is really no story here. For a few minutes while this woman was talking to my colleage, this woman was really close to me. Less than an inch separated us. I'm an idiot. I notice things like personal space. I need a foot radius around my body at all times, unless I'm established in a relationship with someone. It made me uptight. It wasn't the appropriate venue to hit on someone. It was PERSONAL SPACE VIOLATION CRIME. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 9:42 AM

Thursday, October 03, 2002

I committed fashion crime this evening. I went out to eat with my sister and I didn't wear a belt. You see, the belt completes the outfit. I went out with an incomplete outfit. I had on jeans, sneakers, and a plaid button down shirt, but no belt. FASHION CRIME was committed. theJEDMAN

.: posted by Jed 8:42 PM

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

I weigh less now than I have at anytime since the 80s, but sometimes I can't escape my DEMONS. I was driving through Grandview and my truck just suddenly pulled into the pizza buffet, because at the buffet, I fell in love. Down at the buffet, I fell in love. I just couldn't escape my DEMONS. So, I ate about 37 slices of pepperoni and several glasses of diet soda. I just couldn't escape my DEMONS. theJEDMAN